chris_is_my_god (chris_is_my_god) wrote in poisongurrls,

i need some help...

ok, so i want some feedback on this one, because i think i might send it in to the literary magazine at school. i'm on the staff now and we read pieces and talk about them as a group, so it's the perfect opportunity, plus they don't know my last name yet so once i know if they like it i can be like "thanks, that's what i was going for!" and smile and then i guess they'll know....

"American Maid"

I try to trace the outlines left by your eyes

when they turn to look away,

but sparks fly out;

deeper than the time between the stupid things i say

and I'm once again distracted by the flecks of light

that lost the will to dance,

waiting under lids in hope to see the sun.

That day never came

and they died.

They died alone and lonely

waiting for nothing.

I might as well have crawled back inside

and picked up the pieces myself.

You can't just leave them there.

But you did,

because you know if you wait long enough

I'll do it all for you.

help with words you don't like and punctuation and stuff, it's a mess.

thanks a lot, peace and love
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